...or is it? Mysterious, no? Wandering around Camden Town a couple of days ago, looking rather fashionable with my ray-bans, sipping a McDonald's strawberry milkshake, walking in a deliberately care-free and confident manner, I wondered to myself - 'Should I project this image of myself, if it's all deliberate, not natural'. On that thought, and coming onto a quiet less crowded Inverness Street, I thought 'What the hell...' and walked naturally. However, as I did so, it still felt as if I was putting it on, I tried to just relax and not concentrate on how I was walking. Upon having passed a street-urinator, a Maplin's store and two attractive males, I gave up - I was concentrating too hard on not concentrating on how I acted. I realized I actually felt more fake than I had when walking in a deliberately fashionable way. I walked on with this rather chilling thought in my head. After ten minutes or so of trying to distract myself from this idea, I sat down by the lock, and embraced it - 'Have I lost myself by acting and walking and being someone else to who I am?'.
It struck a harsh note in what had been a light, cheerful string of notes that day, and it lingered, loud and solemn as before. I searched for myself in my spectacularly messy, wonderful, dark, crazy, fantastical, horny, glittering mind (which is probably far less magnificent than I put out), however, I could not find little me anywhere. Then I thought, what am I actually searching for? If its me as a child, then, I don't think it would be good for me to be like that anymore, everyone has to grow up (even if just a little bit). Then I looked for my early high school years self, then I realized that's definitely not me. That was a mannequin, I dressed up in heterosexuality to distract everyone from the main glittering attraction - me. Then I tried searching for me six months back, but that's more or less me as I am now. I realized I'm not putting anything on - if I am acting in a way deliberately, then surely, that is me. That ability to change the way you walk or dress or act, is surely an inherent part of your personality. You're not 'faking' it - you are it. So fuck it, I'm gonna change the way I walk, I'm gonna swagger and I'm gonna strut if I want to - and if I want to put my silver side up or down to make an impression on someone, that's fine as well. You don't get the entire movie in a trailer, you get bits of it, then you go to the movie to discover, and you can come out with your fully formed opinion. The same goes for people, you can discover more about me after I've impressed or intrigued you with the way I am.
Ugh, I have about a million other things to say, but it would start to sound like I don't have any straight forward grasp on the matter - which in truth I don't, but I've made an attempt, make what you will of it. But I'll stop now before I ramble further
X AJ
Sidenote: Yes, these 'sidenotes' are going to be a consistent thing, I just can;t think of anything to say in this one other than informing you of it's continuation.
Also... [french interlude - or outro-lude?] n'oubliez pas de laisser vos pensées ici et en plus, si vous me detestez, dites le si'il vous plaît, Je l'aimerais beaucoup (pas sarcasme).
I always think it's stupid when people tell you to b yourself. Who else can you be? Whatever you do, you're being yourself so do whatever you want to do, however you feel most comfortable. I struggle with defining myself, especially through my style. But I'm beginning to realise constant re-invention is not a bad thing. In fact I feel lucky to be able to do that and it gives me the freedom to try anything. I've got a whole life in front of me to be something, for now I'm trying being a bit of everything.:)
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